Nov. 21st, 2013 02:09 am
crazy_raccoon: (Default)
I need to do stuff. I'm growing discontented with my current lot in life.

I mean, I love where I am, but I hate it. On the one paw, the love of my life is next to me right now and I always want to be with her.

On the other paw, I want to DO something. I want to go back to the days where my intelligence was challenged and I was soaking information 24/7.

NaNoWriMo has got me moving. I just want more out of life, and I'm feeling like I've wasted it by not getting more education. Here I am, nearly 20,000 words into my novel and I've realized how many dreams I had when I was a kid that haven't come true yet.

I don't think I have enough time to have the largest insect collection in North America, but maybe I have time to create the learning programs I've always wanted to. I won't be able to design the world's most interesting buildings, but maybe I can build a fanbase with my writing.

Note to self: Next time you have a dream about something cool, patent it. It doesn't matter what it is.
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And that about sums it up. While at the time I was severely depressed because it was absolutely the best job I've ever had, now I'm less certain.

Don't get me wrong, the actual job part was by far the best. It fulfilled many of my desires to watch people for interesting behaviours, and I got to treat people like they treated us. Customers who were nice got immediate help from the section they were in. Mean customers got sass. And I was allowed to give it.

But now that I know what that position was called, and now that I technically have supervisory experience, I've seen many work opportunities open up. I almost got a full time security guard job at the Hilton downtown, which would have been amazing considering the amount of class that place has. But I had to have a driver's license to valet some cars every once in a while when they were busy.

All this time off, as well, has gotten me off my ass. Well, not literally, but the point is there. I've started learning Python, a programming language, and I'm four lessons away from building my own skeleton game engine. My true goals in life are actually being chased after instead of me being content.

My discontedness is coming back! It's exciting, because as I grow tired of full time jobs and daily grind, I start to explore the things that I've always wanted to do. I start doing projects in coding and start wandering outside thinking of physics and philosophical problems. I'm returning to my old self, hopefully with a bit more experience under my belt.

On the other hand, the game idea I've had for a while is being made by Peter Molyneaux (as much as I despise that man, he did practically create my favourite genre of gaming). He started a Kickstarter project for a game called Godus and it just released a beta on Steam. Him! Kickstarter! The man is a fucking billionaire and he needs crowdfunding for his 20-person video game company? For a game that at beta costs $20?

Bleh. I digress. I suppose I can manipulate my idea a little bit, because I can see how some of my ideas wouldn't work in a god game. As of now, Godus is a bit of a failure, one massive and impossible-to-overcome design fuckup. Some ideas have to be refined, and I'm glad it's Peter taking the fall and not me if/when I can start my own game building.

Anyway, despite losing the best job I've ever had and very quickly losing all of my money and falling deep into debt, things are strangely looking up. I suppose I can only do good work when I'm dirt poor.


Aug. 21st, 2013 12:13 pm
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I almost have a full time job.

I moved recently from working on the sales floor at Best Buy to working Asset Protection. You know, the guy who watches the cameras and validates receipts and makes apprehensions. I also take care of any equipment that store uses that can be considered a safety hazard, like the ladders, the lifting machine (affectionately called "Big Joe" by my co-workers), and various other things.

Well, the guy who wanted me to take that spot, the Asset Protection Lead, he just wanted me there so that I could take HIS spot as Lead. He recently moved to another section in the store because he'd been working AP for 10 years and thought it was time for something else. I am now the only officially licensed person in the store, which means I'm going to be basically grandfathered into a full time job as the head of all security in the store.

This is exciting. And weird. I spent the majority of my childhood stealing things from stores like this, only to clean up my act and become the one who prevents such theft. I suppose it makes sense, as my fiancee points out. I know theft, and I know it well. Which is why I'm able to pick out the ones who are doing it.

It's also a bit of a hamper, though. Because I got so good at theft, I have a hard time picking out the absolute amateurs from just mopey people coming through the door. They are incredibly similar.

Also, I downloaded a music editing software and have discovered that it is actually quite fun. I probably have no talent for it, but my attempted remix of Bad Company was kinda awesome. I just hate being that person who takes 80's songs and destroys them for personal pleasure, so I probably won't do it again.

And lastly, the student loans guys finally hunted me down. In three days, they will take $2,551 from my account, money I put in stocks a long time ago for a different purpose. Almost all of it, gone away to a pointless education. On the other hand, it relieves me to finally be paying it back. Apparently I was feeling guilty about it all? Which is weird 'cause I don't think I've ever felt guilty before. It's a weird feeling.
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I'm not sure why I have such a fascination with stories and art of transformation.

Either way, the more books and short stories I read, the more and more I feel like writing some of my own. Or even drawing some of my own. I grow an interest in RPs like crazy, but then, when I get to actually writing them, I feel like I cannot properly express how I feel.

And it's true, mostly because I have no idea how I feel. It's as if writing stories with transformation themes bring me on step closer to being complete, or rather, "whole". Maybe it's the subtle workings of my therianthropy attempting to consolidate the phantom paws I feel as I type. Maybe it has a psychological root in Jungian symbolism.

The latter is probably most true. I desire change, constant and never-ceasing. I need new people, places, objects, ideas, and knowledge to be thrust upon me at all times. The greatest desire, the hardest one to reach, is the change of my own self. Possibly, I have a deep desire for my body to change.

But why?

If I take a scientific route, it probably revolves around a severely damaged or unbalanced identity portion of the brain. Parts of me aren't making sense to my head, and my head is attempting to compensate the only ways it knows how: imagination.

If I take a spiritual route (and increasingly, I am learning to thrust myself utterly into the spiritual world. Apparently, I am an extremely gifted shaman) then I would hazard a guess into my origins. My spirit is not human, or at least it's origins are not human. I would guess that my spirit is based around a theme of constant change, transformation. In other words, a nature spirit, which are classically attributed to the idea of constantly shifting viewpoints as well as forms.

And my spiritual journeys have only seconded those feelings. My fiance and I have unearthed my history. If spiritual journeys can be taken as is, than I am even older than she would be, as an angel-kin. I would be a primordial spirit native to North America, there since the creation of nature itself. Not necessarily a raccoon spirit, but one who liked to masquerade as a raccoon often enough. One of my fiances friends, (a very spiritual woman, she is rather gifted at reading people) when she first met me, mentioned how she felt like my spirit was very old.

Either way, delving into these ideas and thoughts help. Only a little, but every little bit of comfort is good. First starting out in life, I had a ton of these problems, deeply rooted desires I couldn't understand, and now I have just one left, and I think I've got the answer in sight. Whether it is an identity crisis linked to therianthropy or the sudden realization that I'm a spirit as old as the fuckin' earth, I'll figure it out.

I'm not sure how I can remain a valid voice of intelligence and rational thinking if I believe in my nature spirit past, but what the hell. If I can maintain such a voice with a phantom tail shoved in the leg of my pants, then this shouldn't be too hard.
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Haven't been online in quite a while, so I decided to take the time to type up some stuff on no particular subject.

First of all, I am now engaged. I was the one in high school who swore off women, relationships in general, and now I'm among the first of my friends to get engaged. I can see how well that worked out. Still, I couldn't possibly be happier. She is perfect for me, and inspiring. She gives me faith that I won't be a total screw up in life. Heck, I'm even thinking of trying to go back to college at some point to learn what I actually want to do with my life, despite that action probably putting me in debt beyond any capability of paying anyone back.

I've been playing around with the spiritual side of therianthropy for a while now, and the results confuse the sciency side of myself.

While I consider myself to be logically minded, and science is the closest thing to a reality everyone can equally perceive, I tend to follow it more so than the spiritual or paranormal type of crowd. Despite that, I am at least interested in spirituality. I find myself drawn to the more animist or polytheistic nature-based religions or beliefs, and have consistently explored lore regarding such things for most of my life.

But it's always been as an outside observer. I've always been interested enough in the subject matter and theology without submerging myself in it, but lately, I've delved a bit deeper.

My fiance (love using that word. It's so different and more sophisticated than "girlfriend") and I bought a "Psychic Circle" from Amazon. It's similar to a Ouja board, but safer. You supposedly don't let just any spirit start talking to you. We've been messing with it a bit, and the things that occur make the scientific side of me get rather confused. I can understand if the subconscious is working the pointer. Or maybe even the conscious, as if my fiancee could purposefully throw that thing around without me noticing.

No, the series of symbols chosen, their meaning to us personally, and the absence of vague translations are what worry me. How can I reasonably explain the existence of a spirit guide understanding and knowing our personal lives?

But then I realize that I hold an intrinsic belief in souls, and more specifically, spirits in nature. It's something of a belief I hold on to when I've basically thrown every other belief out of the window. I used to be a hardcore Baptist. Now, I'm playing with a Psychic Circle and pondering my past lives.

And that's the main point of this post. Recent dreams, flashbacks, purposes, and information from various "supernatural sources" are leading me to believe in my past life as a raccoon nature spirit.

It's weird for me to even talk about, because part of me cringes at the word "nature spirit". The very fact that I identify as a non-human animal is enough to send my mind reeling if I think about it too much. Now, I'm entertaining the notion of having once been an essence that watched over sections of North American forests for thousands of years? Ha!

Anyway, this post isn't supposed to offend those who feel as if their therianthropy is spiritual, or if they believe they are a spiritual creature. It's just me attempting to organize my thoughts and rationalizing these things within my own self. For me, bastion of science, the one who spent his first year in Junior High memorizing the taxonomy of ancient microscopic lifeforms to believe he might have once haunted Big Bend national park a few thousand years before Andrew Jackson created them is kind of a silly notion. But, nonetheless, it's happening.

I suppose I could take a more scientific view of this, anyway. I can hold experiments and attempt to catalog the immaterial, but a part of me thinks it's pointless. The spiritual world doesn't have the same rules as the physical one. Sometimes, even though the variables might be exactly the same, results cannot be replicated.

As an added note, it seems my sexuality has been developed a bit. I've learned how to initiate, and I have even understood, for the first time, I think, the sexual power of a drawing. It clicked because of the subjects involved and their closeness in relation to my fiancee and myself. I finally understood that putting yourself in the picture is what is required. It's kind of interesting, and it's a process I think I'll enjoy developing further.
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Outlining the antagonistic race, the Nephilim, from my work-in-progress novel, "Still". They are interesting race dependent on biotechnology to the point where survival without it is impossible. Some of their biotechnology stretches so far back, they aren't even sure where it came from, such as the tentacles necessary for communication.

Parts I haven't gone over include their culture and their technology. They wear an armour nearly at all times that is actually alive. If the host is killed, the armour will continue attacking with the host still in it, which should be sufficiently demoralizing to an enemy. Their weapons and daily life are ruled by shaping organisms into useable, symbiotic structures capable of various tasks.

Anyway, that'll be in a later essay. For now, here's a breakdown on the physiology behind how they work. Hopefully I can work out little kinks in them. While their bodies probably cannot naturally occur in an ecosystem, I am mostly curious in whether they are physically possible.

Proper Name: Homo Nephilim (Fallen Man)
Common Name: Nephilim

Name Origin:
"Nephilim" in the Bible refers to a race of man who were called "giants". Supposedly, they are the offspring of a mating between humans and angels, among many other interpretations. I have always been fascinated by the more interesting verses in the Bible and the theology that comes alongside it, and for the longest time, the Nephilim has been something I argued with myself over.

For the sake of "Still", the Nephilim take on a different light(pun unintended). They are not offspring of angels and man, nor are they anything having to do with religion. It is assumed in the book that the Nephilim are mentioned in the Bible as the only explanation man could give for the species' existence at the time.


Average Height: 5'11" to 6'5"
Average Weight: 160 to 210

The Nephilim are technically a race of men, and a common ancestor, upon billions of dollars of searching, could probably be discovered. The link between man and Nephilim has long died out at the time of the book, though, and Homo Sapiens tend to look upon Homo Nephilim with fear or derision as nearly alien creatures. And in fact, they do resemble alien creatures. Their systems are so vastly different from men, I hesitate to classify them as such. I suppose they would best fit in a category all to themselves, but I like the idea of being able to trace Nephilim back to Homo Sapiens, even if it means going back even before the primates.

A Nephilim without his armor appears entirely black. Their bodies are covered completely in melanin, which is necessary for their survival. Their sustenance comes purely from the absorption of energy; everything inside the visible spectrum, and much of the radiation outside of that. To increase the surface area used in absorbing energy, many threadlike tendrils hang from their bodies, very similar to down feathers, except much longer. The longest tendrils come from the top of the head, and can reach lengths of nearly a foot. They grow considerable thinner and shorter as they move from the top of the head down to the back of the neck. There are sparse tendrils coming from the shoulders and back. Some Nephilim can carry far more or far less, and is helpful in recognition of an individual, especially when shaped into cosmetic designs.

The tendrils are light, able to catch the air quite easily. Upon movement, this can give a Nephilim a rather smoky appearance, leading further to their illusion of being shadow creatures.

Their body has two spiracles at the base of the neck on each side, similar in structure to gills. They can open and close consciously, and stay partially closed to limit exposure to adverse elements. They open very wide in cases of tension or stress, allowing the body to receive more oxygen. The body is air-cooled. Flaps inside the trachea can release excess heat to cool the body.

Nephilim do not have mouths or noses, and instead have a small proboscis that can reveal itself from protective flaps of skin beneath the eyes. The proboscis is usually somewhere between 6 and 4 inches, and has small drilling sections used to crack the outer shells of fruits or creatures. They can then use other mouthparts to suck useable moisture. It is also possible to utilize normal water for hydration, and breaking into a plant or animal is not explicitly required. The water is filtered in the section of the face where the mouth is on Homo Sapiens. Small glands rather similar to the saliva glands are used to filter the water, which is then distributed into the rest of the body. The processed waste is held in a bladder in the same area and is removed via expulsion from the proboscis. To be short, they drink water and excrete waste from the same instrument. Bacterial infection does not occur anymore, but had once been a problem. The bacteria do not invade the substance until it leaves the body, at any rate.

The proboscis can withdraw entirely into the facial area and gives the Nephilim the appearance of having a rather smooth and expressionless face. Basic bone structure in the skull resembles it's human counterpart, with the jaw being fused together and the absence of teeth. Rudimentary and rather vestigial jaw muscles still exist, though.

The eyes have a similar capacity to human eyes, except the added usage of a tapetum lucidum and being a way to excrete more waste. This waste comes in the form of energy. A Nephilim's eyes can glow with visible light after absorbing an excess during the day. The body is constantly absorbing radiation of various kinds, and cannot actually stop: although sweat glands have been modified to block excess UV. Upon sweating, the substance can block extra light, including some of the visible spectrum. Various bacteria have grown to live off of the Nephilim's body and can help release excess sugars as light. Nephilim long ago learned to use the bacteria for cosmetic purposes.

The eyes' optical function can work normally, but a ring surrounding the actual eye ball is used to release waste. A very small and more advanced (highly organized) form of tapetum lucidum can be used to pick up the excess light and use it for excellent night vision, further adding to the effect of a Nephilim's shining eyes.

A Nephilim's ears are incredibly similar to a human's except for the rather smaller and smoother skin instead of a humans' patterned, large earlobes. The ears are also slightly misaligned; one ear is usually a little higher than the other ear on the head. This means that a Nephilim's hearing is not nearly as sensitive as a Homo Sapiens', but they can pinpoint the sound with stunning accuracy.

A Nephilim's fingers, hands, arms, legs, feet and toes are all strikingly similar to a human's, barring the extra joint in the Nephilim's thumbs. This makes the thumb longer, giving them an unsettling appearance to humans. The limbs are longer, but roughly the same diameter, making them look tall and gangly. The body mass is roughly similar to a human being's, except in matters of size. They are thinner and taller, with the chest cavity not having to incorporate a digestive system. The insides are arranged similarly to a human's; the heart being flanked by lungs. There is a smaller and more rudimentary heart underneath the normal one which can continue working upon the first one's failure, albeit only for a limited time. The main function of the smaller heart is to keep vital systems alive long enough for help to arrive, but not strong enough to support the functions required for conscious movement. As a result, Nephilim undergo a "little death" as the body shuts down and the smaller heart begins it's work. The lungs are larger than a human's. The body cavity in a female Nephilim below the lungs are mainly for the raising of offspring. A male Nephilim is easily recognized for having a smaller body cavity: very thin and shorter than a human's would be.

The reproductive systems function differently from Homo Sapiens. Males are fitted with genitalia able to deposit sperm cells within the female to fertilize multiple eggs. Nephilim are most likely to give birth to twins, and often, even more. A single live young does not often occur. The act of mating is not an act of intimacy more so than a duty to society. Sexual interaction is not particularly pleasurable, but nor is it uncomfortable. Male genitalia are hidden beneath flaps of skin similar to the proboscis, and the testes are internal.

Nephilim skeletal structure is nearly exactly the same to a humans', except for the aforementioned differences in the body cavity and the skull. At birth, Nephilim skulls are not soft, and completely cover the brain. The larger hips of a female Nephilim and increased room for young allows for an easier birth, despite this difference from Homo Sapiens. Sexual maturity occurs in roughly 18 years, and full maturity occurs in around 20.

The tentacles are the last noticeable characteristic of the Nephilim. Four to eight tentacles protrude from the back of the head and neck, each with an individual nerve net capable of operating separately from the brain of the host. This is because they were once technically a separate creature, but years of evolution have denied it's ability to live outside of the host species. The tentacles act as a form of communication between Nephilim who can otherwise create no vocal noises.

The tentacles grow seamlessly out of the skin, and are the same colour. They are fed by the host system, and the nerve net can directly tangle with the central nervous system of the Nephilim. This allows the host to directly hijack the tentacle's most notable characteristic: telepathy. The creatures have an uncanny ability to communicate with any of it's kind anywhere within a 10 mile radius through a biological origin of radio waves. The waves are picked up by tentacles and absorbed through the melanin in it's skin. But instead of processing the waves into energy, they are processed for information, and the information is dumped directly into the host's central nervous system. Messages can be sent and received at the speed of light, and telepathy allows the rate of conversation to move at unprecedented speed.

As an added feature, the tentacles have grown a protective stimulus response to attack: if they are touched by an enemy, they release painful stinging sensations, similar to a jellyfish. The tentacles can be "programmed" to react to anything as if it is an enemy, and may be used to attack. They can stretch to an amazing length of nearly 5 feet to touch an enemy, lashing at them like a whip.
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First off, I should announce my own sexuality. I am male who is not gay, bisexual, transgender, genderfluid or genderqueer. I am attracted to females when it comes to sexual practice. My attraction to females is a rather narrow passage, though, which makes me believe I'm rather close to the cusp of asexuality.

On the other hand, as relationships go, I am emotionally attracted to all. I can be in a very close relationship with a male or female equally, and not feel any qualms about it. It won't be romantic, of course, but I can and will freely admit love for a close male or female friend. There's a difference there that I don't think too many people get, or it's just that (straight)guys are afraid to admit any kind of love for a male, platonic or no.

Now, on to the show.

I had started writing this a few days ago, but then the whole Chik-fil-a thing exploded.

I don't hide my contempt for my family very well, as nearly everyone will tell you. I disagree with them on many fronts, and often post my opinions on Facebook, where they can peruse and comment. Although I don't purposely bait them, since I have many friends who agree with my opinions, it sometimes seems as if I am. And despite all these Facebook posts, I think it only recently clicked in my mother's mind that I am in support of gay marriage. So we had a discussion.

Now, I won't post the discussion, because my mother's arguments bordered on infantile, more vomiting up the arguments force-fed her in church than actually thinking for herself. In fact, she blatantly told me that Satan comes when humanity tries to think for itself. It was also a very long argument, mostly due to me writing very long responses.

I realized during the argument, though, that I wasn't 100% sure how I felt about every side of the anti-gay marriage arguments and such, so I'm going to use Dreamwidth to define my views for later usage.

When it comes to the gays, bisexuals, and transgender I know, they are all delightful people. I was good friends with a gay couple and RPed with them on a few occasions, and one of them gave me tips for playing WoW while leading me to some higher level areas for grinding (back when I played it).

Now, when I look out in the world and see gays on parade in underwear grinding against each other on a massive float, I see something different. Mostly, I'm uninterested, but I also wish they could tone it down a bit for now. I mean, we're trying to win you some rights, and you can be proud, you just don't have to go dripping with libido down Maine Street. I don't want to see anyone doing that. The world is having a hard enough time accepting you, you don't need to make people think you are sex-crazed lunatics.

I am for gay marriage. Or rather, marriage, since that's what it is. I think the institution of marriage being backed up spiritually by the government is idiocy, and the two should be separate notions. I'd rather not have my marriage sanctified by God, despite the fact that I follow the teachings of Christ. Either way, I'm for the marriage of all, if they want it.

I guess I could end up just saying I'm not for special rights of gays. I don't want the LGBT+ to have special rights above other groups because of the years Christians and others persecuted them. I am also not for them to have any less rights than heterosexuals. I am not pro-LGBT. I am not pro-Christian. I am pro-equal rights for everyone so that we can stop complaining about this and move on to what's next.

Of course, I'm going to take the side of the LGBT because they are the ones being wronged right now. I was once scared of announcing such a thing, since I used to live in Texas, and violence against gays happened to be rather common there. But I would subtly suggest ways to reduce homophobia, and with my suggestion, Jacksonville High School is one of the few schools in East Texas that ever performed the play "The Laramie Project". We were boycotted by a lot of people, but we also had the second-biggest turnout in that high school's history.

So in short, I am for rights, whether for gays or straights, humans or animals. I'd like homophobia to leave just as much as I'd like to see racism gone. I also know that it's not going to happen.

Which isn't such a bad thing. The best people rise from a hairy situation. I mean, MLK Jr. would have just been a pretty good preacher if racism and segregation didn't exist.

I'd even go so far as to suggest that the terrible, evil things that humans do are necessary for the birth of incredible, inspiring individuals. That without strife, there would be no harmony. That's just speculation, though, and in the end it could all be bull. I like to see it that way, nonetheless. That man's dark and torturous side is just as required as the side which offers goodness and mercy. That bigoted Christians are required for the reasonable ones to stand up for what they believe in. Hell, it worked on me. Every time I look in the general direction of where Westboro Baptist church might be from here in Harrisburg, I cringe.
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My first post wasn't exactly an introduction of sorts, so I guess I should write one. Or I might be bored and feel like typing something up. I don't spend time thinking about my life story, usually, so organizing my thoughts into something relatively simple should be fun. This will likely undergo a few day's work.

As I have stated before, my name is Alec. I'm one of four people on the entire North American continent with my last name, or so the internet tells me. Blouin is also very hard to pronounce, since English rules don't work on it.

Life Story Section )

Aspirations and Fun Details )

I could probably go on and on. If I spent more time going over my life, I could probably have shortened it all down to something more interesting to read. Mostly, this is for my own sake, though, since now I have it on paper. Or rather, on the internet.
Anyway, in the future, now, I can look back and sneer in disgust at my choice of music or something. I think that's what adults are supposed to do.
I reject the notion of socially growing up. I still want to build a battle robot.
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I am Blue/Green

It's always fun to take these tests and discover that all of them point to INTP or similar. I think of late, I've grown to be more adaptable, probably just channeling the raccoon and realizing the best way to get what you want is to act like you give a damn for people.

Turns out, I can really turn up the charisma when I want something. I got a 6 dollar tip while working because of this situation:
"Uhhh... I'd like your peanut buster parfait..."
I really, really hate when people say they want an item from a store as if I personally created the franchise. As if I have some form of loyalty to my workplace. When they say they want my certain item. But instead of getting frustrated, I turned all of it into charisma, and came up with a good reply.
"My peanut buster parfait? Well, you can't have mine, cuz I want it, but I can make you a new one, and that one will be yours."
Suddenly, before I know it, I have the rest of her change. Not that it was much, considering I work at a fast food joint for now, but the principle of the thing is that I, as an INTP, managed to use friendly conversation in order to get something.

Maybe it's just a part of the INTP nature, since we can be a bit manipulative, but I still find it hilarious that the social outcast guy is making tip when no one else at the store can.

The manipulation, before I realized I was doing it, was kind of a curse at first. People gravitated towards me. Maybe not me directly, but it was like groups of friends would include me into the outer edge of the circle, and suddenly I was the only middle person for a really big and complicated Venn diagram. I sit down at the beginning of the year at a lunch table back in high school utterly alone, and by the end of the year, the table is full they are pulling extra tables over to connect them. It got annoying, really. Some people aren't so bad. They like to discuss things of importance or interest. But other guys would go on about Pokemon for the whole half hour, or talk about anime, or their new phone, all of which I couldn't care less about.

Anyway, the point is, now it's different. I mean, I know what I'm doing a little better. I'm still a little clueless in conversations that involve social cues, but doing better. Like how I recently learned that I probably have flirted with a ton of people by accident. When I'm in an awkward situation, I joke. It's my natural instinct. And since I find every situation involving strangers to be awkward, all I do is joke. Recent conversation has led me to realize that when a guy first meets a girl he likes, he jokes with her and tries to get her to laugh, like it means she accepts him. Lo and behold, I've been doing that my entire life without realizing.

My sexual impotency is for a different essay, methinks, but it might have more to do with that. As an example, when a female would walk by in the lunchroom in high school/college, every guy at the table would check out her boobs. Cause... I guess that's normal.

Meanwhile, I would try and see what was on her plate, and if it was worth asking if she wanted the rest.

My inability to converse well and my inability to understand sexual cues might stem from the same problem. And true, it could easily be explained by therianthropy, but that seems to much of an Occam's razor answer to me. I mean, what would a raccoon do in the exact same situation? Be interested in fat deposits on a female's chest, or be interested in the fatty tissue of her hardly-touched pastrami sandwich? Well, maybe neither, if it was utterly realistic. Utterly realistic, he'd be interested in escaping the outrageously noisy room full of obnoxious people.

I like to find the complicated answer to things, I guess. I like things to be complicated. I like video game manuals thicker than a Goosebumps' book. I like heavily detailed worlds with political, social, and physiological structure of leading sapient races, and a full catalog of hoe the environment interlaces. I like a deep backstory to a character. The bigger the polynomial the better. You get the picture.

Ah, well. Maybe by the time I die, I'll have learned how to navigate a conversation with ease, but I feel like there are better things to do. Like work on my idea for a 2D platformer involving a time-traveling raccoon.
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I took me roughly five times to type "Prologue" before I got it right.

Anyway, I've been in a highly creative mood lately. I've taken up learning python so that I can work on my game idea. I've restarted an old IRC RP that involves tons of transformation plots, my character being from the universe of the aforementioned "Inherit the Earth" story. I definitely missed RPing.

Anyway, I've also been dusting off the chapters written from my last NanoWriMo. My novel, "Still" has been a work in progress for nearly 5 years. I've only been seriously typing it for nearly a year, though, and the plot has undergone such a huge plethora of changes, it no longer resembles the original idea. Nonetheless, I am in love with it. It is my only child, (hopefully all my children will be novels) and I intend to help it develop.

At any rate, I've posted the idea to nearly every person who's literary opinion I respect, and there's no stopping me now.

This prologue has been vamped and revamped by myself over many years. I always loved a good prologue, as something that could reveal portions of a story, and help hook the reader. Heck, it even hooks the writer. I've obsessed over the prologue more than most writer's probably should.

Anyway, digression aside, I wrote this all over again for the NaNoWriMo, and then my girlfriend got her paws on it. Apparently, I can come up with a plot without a problem. Characters? Sure, unique and interesting. But when I need a style, a real bout of imagery, or something to inspire and intensify, I cannot do it. On the other hand, Lindiel (her code name) is quite amazing with words. So she just added a few words to my sentences here and there, and ended up doubling it's length, as well as making it infinitely better in my opinion.

I introduce to you, the Prologue of my work in progress, a novel by the name of "Still".



When encountering a species as intelligent as your own, it’s amazing how fast you are to underestimate them. As humans, we have the habit of assuming ourselves the superior species of the entire planet. We naively take for granted our intelligence and ability to best lower life forms. Tricking other creatures as we hunt, farm, build, create, and otherwise spread our dominance over the land is something that is now considered normal, an everyday task. Simple.

When we first discovered the Nephilim, our attitude about the way we ruled the world was unchanged. We met them with the same naivety and sense of superiority with which we met every other living thing. A worse mistake could not have been made.

No one knew where they came from; whether they were part of the natural evolution of our world or if they were the offspring of strange, otherworldly creatures, we could not begin to guess. We soon discovered that they were dangerous to interact with, however. That was a fact that everyone was to learn about the Nephilim; they were dangerous, at best.

They resided in the swamps, and most people were wise enough to leave their lands alone.
Anyone foolhardy enough to enter the murky darkness of the Nephilim’s grounds was considered lost. On the rare occasion that someone dared to stray into the swamps, they were never seen again. The number of people brave, or perhaps foolish, enough to try quickly dwindled and the area was soon treated with the same cautious fear and near-reverence as any child treats a house rumored to be haunted.

The swamp was perfect for the Nephilim. Their shadowed forms tended to melt into the natural darkness of their chosen home, making them nearly impossible to spot. Those who tried to catch glimpses of them were left straining their eyes against the dimness of the murk, managing to see only flickering shadows that could never be verified as Nephilim or naturally caused. On particularly dark nights, however, there were tales of faintly glowing eyes from within swirls of mist, and of strange flashes; like light glinting off of steel.

Those unfortunate enough to live near the swamps spent most of their nights in constant fear. They would cower like animals within their crude dwellings made of mud and jump at the slightest sound, paranoia personified. The inhabitants of the larger villages, which were located far from the swamps, would often hear horrific, if false, tales of people being dragged from their homes into the deep shadow and swirling mists.

The Nephilim tended to keep to themselves, which terrified us all the more. We knew so little about them, and what we did know was far from comforting. Our minds were eager to fill in their silence and secrets with further ideas of horror. Paranoia and fear, always so quick to move in where there is a lack of knowledge, found ample room within our minds.
One fateful night, an alliance of men decided to pry back the veil of hanging moss at the edge of the swamp and enter the darkness. They were large, strong, and filled with the type of brazen bravery that only alcohol can provide. They were also fully armed.

The following morning, the small group of six men were found directly outside the point of the swamp they had entered. Parts of them were, anyway. Their heads had been removed and impaled upon sharpened sticks, the end of each stick buried deep into the ground. The rest of their bodies were nowhere in sight, and no one was keen to do any thorough searching. On the last of the gruesome pickets, there was what appeared to be a note inscribed with charcoal on a piece of crushed bark. The foreign runes of the Nephilim’s strange language proved indecipherable to us, though. We had no idea what the note was trying to convey, and we greatly feared its importance and what our ignorance of it could provoke. Eventually it was decided that our safest course of action would be to offer them tribute.

As volunteers herded some of our finest goats and sheep close to the swamp, two of the Nephilim stepped out from the shadows between the trees. They stood several inches taller than our tallest men and were fully armored with a glittering plate metal which was blacker than the shadows from whence they came. Moss hung from their bodies in thick ropes and shadows seemed to follow in their wake, swirling like black mist.

They stood silently, like stone sentinels, watching as we nervously shepherded the animals closer to them. One of the Nephilim stepped back and seemed to snort, as if in disgust. That's when we realized that they didn't have mouths. In growing fear, we watched as five more emerged from the darkness, all of them dressed in dark armor and trailing shadows. They each carried a strange weapon; weapons that twisted in their hands, as if they were holding live snakes, dark and undulating. The five were accompanied by two creatures, one of each side of the group, moving just out of sight in the darkness of the swamp. They seemed monolithic, and we could vaguely make out what seemed to be moss writhing along their elephantine bodies.

We didn't understand what was happening, and before our minds could even process the threat, they were attacking. Eyes glowing brightly, the five Nephilim between the beasts moved forward and crouched. The weapons in their hands, the writhing snakes of darkness, stiffened, and they wielded them like swords. Before we realized what had happened, they had cut through our goat herders as easily as a warm knife through butter. There was only a small scream of pain from the last man as he fell to the ground, lying strangely twisted as his legs writhed.

We didn't understand. What had we done? What mistake had we made? How could we have incited such violence? Before we even got the chance to ask, the creatures accompanying the Nephilim, those monolithic beasts, stepped from the treeline and headed with stolid determination towards the nearest village. Without halting, they stormed over the first small hut, crushing it and the family within under their feet. They had large, flat tusks shaped almost like the heads of hammerhead sharks, which they swung back and forth, breaking buildings and people alike.

The massacre was so quiet, it was eerie and shocking. There was not a sound from the Nephilim or from their strange beasts; no roars of triumph or fury as they proceeded from hut to hut, street to street. There was nothing but utter silence as we were wiped out. Their eyes glowed brightly as they proceeded with a steady pace through the village, leaving nothing but destruction and their swirling shadows in their wake. The only sounds were the muffled cries of dying men, women, and children as they fell under blade and underfoot.

No one knew how to stop them. A small resistance was eventually cobbled together, but it did nothing to deter the onslaught of the Nephilim. They cut through it at the same pace as everything they had come across before. There was seemingly nothing that could stop the inevitable push of these beings. They never ate, never drank, and never slept. They never stopped.

In the larger cities of the world, those farthest from the invasion, councils were held to discuss a plan of action. Wise men from many different nations met to combine their knowledge and ideas and discuss the best way to end the assault. There was much debating and arguing and many options were carried out with same effectiveness as the first shoddily formed attempt of resistance. Eventually all choices were exhausted and they were forced to consider the one that most had been trying to avoid: magic.

When it came to magic, it was known that something had to be sacrificed in order for anything to be gained. Those who practiced magic were known to give fingers, toes, even entire limbs for what they wanted. The type of magic that they would need to perform in order to stop the Nephilim's invasion was much more powerful than that performed by those solitary magicians. This would require a much larger sacrifice, a sacrifice of something greater.

To prepare, a massive structure was built in the greatest of the cities. It was the likes of which no one had ever seen before. Materials for its construction were gathered from all over the world, and shipped over vast distances. Hurried as they were, time was spent ensuring that every rock was in its proper place and that nothing was overlooked for what had to be done. It was a large and powerful spell that needed to be done, and it required many people to help carry it out. Six of the world's greatest magicians were called to make the sacrifice, and all answered. The act they had to perform would cost them their lives, but they were willing to sacrifice themselves for the survival of the rest of humanity.

Finally, the day of the ritual was upon the world. On that day, the six great magicians stood in the structure that was built and began to prepare for the spell that would banish the Nephilim forever, but they were still lacking something. They needed one more; an innocent. From the crowds of people who had surrounded the structure to watch the ritual, a young girl stepped out. Her mother pulled her back and held her close, but the girl struggled and broke free, running towards the middle of the giant stone circle. She stood amidst the powerful magicians and looked at them one by one, without any sign of fear.

"I will die for us." she told them and the crowd watching silently.

Her mother cried for the girl to come back from the edge of the crowd, too afraid to leave the safety of other people and enter the circle, even to bring back her daughter. The girl stayed where she was, though, firm in her decision. She knew that it had to happen; that she could not stop what must be done. With courage and selflessness far beyond her years, she stood and made her sacrifice for the world.

The mages began the ritual as the girl's mother cried quietly at the edge of the crowd. After only a few short minutes, they were gone. The six magicians and the girl had vanished deep into death, dragging the terrifying horrors of the Nephilim with them.

Or so we had thought.
crazy_raccoon: (Default)
A story I've been working on for ages, but over and over, I've found eerily similar plots and ideas, either in whole or in part. I've been discouraged repeatedly from writing it, not only because of that, but also because it's an attempt to:
A: create a gritty storyline of little hope, rampant violence (with a gradually differing view on things towards the resolution, of course) and
B: The main characters will be a by-product of forced evolution accidentally created by man. In other words, anthropomorphic characters.

I'm not sure, but I think those two tend not to mix, unless your name is Douglas Adams and you cross out the whole "gradually changing amount of hope" thing.

I don't know if I should even take the time to write it, since I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who will enjoy it.


Jun. 1st, 2012 01:01 pm
crazy_raccoon: (Default)
Now, on a less somber and revealing note, there are two novels and two short stories, plus a round robin that I am attempting basic work on, yet I continue to get utterly distracted.

Skyrim looks at me and lifts her skirt, asking me if I wanna have a good time. The dishes are screaming in pain from the sink. They've been dirty for so long I think all of them have a form of boils. Or worse, like Ebola. Wikipedia is always taunting me about having a word still blue on some page somewhere. My job is tossing rocks at the window and wants to know if I can come out and work.

Through all this, I try to find ways to stick with it. This is a book I've been mulling over, writing bits and pieces of since I first got the idea at 16. It's been 4 years now, and I have only 16,000 words. So now, maybe this will be what helps me write more (although I've said things in the past. NaNo will help me write more. An accountability partner will help me write more. Posting teasers on Facebook and seeing how many people ask for more will help me write more. They never work)

The best thing this site can do is get me in the *habit* of writing. When I come home, the first thing I should see is not the PC and think, "Oh, I can play some League of Legends!" It should be "Crap, I only have 16,000 words for what will probably be my biggest contribution to society in my life if I don't ever get my ass in gear and get more college."

I have a hard time with that bit, though. Procrastination is kind of an art style for me. I've gotten down to being able to look back at the end of the day, feeling successful up until the moment I realize I was successful only in getting my sneak skill up to 70 in Skyrim.

Bleh. I guess this is a big, "Hey! What are you doing typing this when Will hasn't talked to Relic yet in the time stop!" A big slap in the face telling me I should write some more of "Still".

Also, I watched Avengers last night. Little details are what make the movie great, but what most surprised me is that I actually liked all of the main characters, and I have no idea why I could ever like the Hulk or... God forbid, Captain America.

I'm mostly looking forward to two movies this year above all else: Dark Knight Rises, and The Hobbit: Part 1. Dark Knight Rises, because Bane is accurately represented, as well as the fact that I have seen every Christopher Nolan movie ever and he is my favourite director of all time. The Hobbit, because who the hell isn't looking forward to that movie?


NSFW May. 30th, 2012 05:42 pm
crazy_raccoon: (Default)
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