crazy_raccoon: (Default)
[personal profile] crazy_raccoon
I'm not sure why I have such a fascination with stories and art of transformation.

Either way, the more books and short stories I read, the more and more I feel like writing some of my own. Or even drawing some of my own. I grow an interest in RPs like crazy, but then, when I get to actually writing them, I feel like I cannot properly express how I feel.

And it's true, mostly because I have no idea how I feel. It's as if writing stories with transformation themes bring me on step closer to being complete, or rather, "whole". Maybe it's the subtle workings of my therianthropy attempting to consolidate the phantom paws I feel as I type. Maybe it has a psychological root in Jungian symbolism.

The latter is probably most true. I desire change, constant and never-ceasing. I need new people, places, objects, ideas, and knowledge to be thrust upon me at all times. The greatest desire, the hardest one to reach, is the change of my own self. Possibly, I have a deep desire for my body to change.

But why?

If I take a scientific route, it probably revolves around a severely damaged or unbalanced identity portion of the brain. Parts of me aren't making sense to my head, and my head is attempting to compensate the only ways it knows how: imagination.

If I take a spiritual route (and increasingly, I am learning to thrust myself utterly into the spiritual world. Apparently, I am an extremely gifted shaman) then I would hazard a guess into my origins. My spirit is not human, or at least it's origins are not human. I would guess that my spirit is based around a theme of constant change, transformation. In other words, a nature spirit, which are classically attributed to the idea of constantly shifting viewpoints as well as forms.

And my spiritual journeys have only seconded those feelings. My fiance and I have unearthed my history. If spiritual journeys can be taken as is, than I am even older than she would be, as an angel-kin. I would be a primordial spirit native to North America, there since the creation of nature itself. Not necessarily a raccoon spirit, but one who liked to masquerade as a raccoon often enough. One of my fiances friends, (a very spiritual woman, she is rather gifted at reading people) when she first met me, mentioned how she felt like my spirit was very old.

Either way, delving into these ideas and thoughts help. Only a little, but every little bit of comfort is good. First starting out in life, I had a ton of these problems, deeply rooted desires I couldn't understand, and now I have just one left, and I think I've got the answer in sight. Whether it is an identity crisis linked to therianthropy or the sudden realization that I'm a spirit as old as the fuckin' earth, I'll figure it out.

I'm not sure how I can remain a valid voice of intelligence and rational thinking if I believe in my nature spirit past, but what the hell. If I can maintain such a voice with a phantom tail shoved in the leg of my pants, then this shouldn't be too hard.
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