Jan. 21st, 2013

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Haven't been online in quite a while, so I decided to take the time to type up some stuff on no particular subject.

First of all, I am now engaged. I was the one in high school who swore off women, relationships in general, and now I'm among the first of my friends to get engaged. I can see how well that worked out. Still, I couldn't possibly be happier. She is perfect for me, and inspiring. She gives me faith that I won't be a total screw up in life. Heck, I'm even thinking of trying to go back to college at some point to learn what I actually want to do with my life, despite that action probably putting me in debt beyond any capability of paying anyone back.

I've been playing around with the spiritual side of therianthropy for a while now, and the results confuse the sciency side of myself.

While I consider myself to be logically minded, and science is the closest thing to a reality everyone can equally perceive, I tend to follow it more so than the spiritual or paranormal type of crowd. Despite that, I am at least interested in spirituality. I find myself drawn to the more animist or polytheistic nature-based religions or beliefs, and have consistently explored lore regarding such things for most of my life.

But it's always been as an outside observer. I've always been interested enough in the subject matter and theology without submerging myself in it, but lately, I've delved a bit deeper.

My fiance (love using that word. It's so different and more sophisticated than "girlfriend") and I bought a "Psychic Circle" from Amazon. It's similar to a Ouja board, but safer. You supposedly don't let just any spirit start talking to you. We've been messing with it a bit, and the things that occur make the scientific side of me get rather confused. I can understand if the subconscious is working the pointer. Or maybe even the conscious, as if my fiancee could purposefully throw that thing around without me noticing.

No, the series of symbols chosen, their meaning to us personally, and the absence of vague translations are what worry me. How can I reasonably explain the existence of a spirit guide understanding and knowing our personal lives?

But then I realize that I hold an intrinsic belief in souls, and more specifically, spirits in nature. It's something of a belief I hold on to when I've basically thrown every other belief out of the window. I used to be a hardcore Baptist. Now, I'm playing with a Psychic Circle and pondering my past lives.

And that's the main point of this post. Recent dreams, flashbacks, purposes, and information from various "supernatural sources" are leading me to believe in my past life as a raccoon nature spirit.

It's weird for me to even talk about, because part of me cringes at the word "nature spirit". The very fact that I identify as a non-human animal is enough to send my mind reeling if I think about it too much. Now, I'm entertaining the notion of having once been an essence that watched over sections of North American forests for thousands of years? Ha!

Anyway, this post isn't supposed to offend those who feel as if their therianthropy is spiritual, or if they believe they are a spiritual creature. It's just me attempting to organize my thoughts and rationalizing these things within my own self. For me, bastion of science, the one who spent his first year in Junior High memorizing the taxonomy of ancient microscopic lifeforms to believe he might have once haunted Big Bend national park a few thousand years before Andrew Jackson created them is kind of a silly notion. But, nonetheless, it's happening.

I suppose I could take a more scientific view of this, anyway. I can hold experiments and attempt to catalog the immaterial, but a part of me thinks it's pointless. The spiritual world doesn't have the same rules as the physical one. Sometimes, even though the variables might be exactly the same, results cannot be replicated.

As an added note, it seems my sexuality has been developed a bit. I've learned how to initiate, and I have even understood, for the first time, I think, the sexual power of a drawing. It clicked because of the subjects involved and their closeness in relation to my fiancee and myself. I finally understood that putting yourself in the picture is what is required. It's kind of interesting, and it's a process I think I'll enjoy developing further.


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